Faking it nicely
Someone online told me this week that it’s “creepy” when someone is too nice. And I agree, but maybe not for the reasons they said it.
I’ve noticed that people are suspicious of nice. They aren’t used to nice unless it comes without a trick or a string attached. And, sure, there’s plenty of that around.
So many people’s nice-ness is performative, only to get something they want or because they’re trying to control an outcome.
But also some people are actually, genuinely, 100% nice. They go beyond kind (showing good will to others) and operate in the land of nice—they’re agreeable, pleasant, lovely in their words and actions.
This is not a judgement either way. I’m not saying that you should be nice. Nice comes with its own price. If you’re one of these truly nice people, you already know that.
After all, everyone says that they want someone nice. They say that they want someone to treat them with understanding and sunshine and rainbows.
But when they find it in the wild, when they actually have someone around who is genuinely and naturally nice? Who throws unicorn glitter on their world just because why not? They do everything they can to sabotage it.
They poke holes, they dig, they try to get the nice person to act out of character, to reveal the trick, to reveal that their nice-ness is fake. Just like everyone else. Usually, just like the person doing the accusations, too. It’s a projection.
But the actual difference between faking it and genuine nice-ness is actually vast and, once you’ve clocked it once, painfully obvious.
Fakers perform it. Truly nice people simple are it.
There are easy ways to tell which is which, for those of us sensitive and observant enough to pay attention.
Fakers:
Go around telling everyone how nice and caring they are. They are loud, flashy, demonstrative, and performative in their nice actions.
Truly nice people:
Never mention it. They probably won’t even admit to it if someone else brings it up.
Fakers:
Always seem to have a stipulation or requirement for their nice-ness. You owe them something because you received nice treatment from them.
Truly nice people:
Have no expectation of being applauded or rewarded for being nice.
Fakers:
Expect you to reciprocate their nice-ness right away. And usually, they’ll tell you exactly when and how they expect you to repay it.
Truly nice people:
Want reciprocation, sure, but on your terms and in your own way. They expect that the scales will balance over time. And even if they don’t, quite honestly, they’ll still be nice to you.
Fakers:
Make sure EVERYONE knows when they do something nice. For you, and for anyone else, too.
Truly nice people:
Never even act like the things they do are nice. If you point it out to them, they may be actually surprised to hear you thought so.
Fakers:
Want all the credit for doing something nice as part of a group. It was always their idea, or they did the most, or they helped out in the biggest way.
Truly nice people:
You might not ever know that they were part of the group.
Fakers:
Lay the nice behavior on extra thick when they want something. They also lay it on thick when they’ve done something wrong and want you to forget or ignore it.
Truly nice people:
Maintain a pretty steady level of nice. It doesn’t fluctuate according to their whims and desires.
Fakers:
Dial up nice-ness around people they think can give them something and in certain situations where they could be perceived in a better light. They dial it back down around people and scenarios they don’t see as being influential.
Truly nice people:
Show up with the same level of nice-ness with just about everyone (maybe not the literal devil and his friends). They show the same nice behavior despite the other person’s influence or the situation or their chance to gain something.
Fakers:
Their behavior feels a certain way in your body. Your intuition, the voice of your instinct, knows fake-ness and will tell you about it if you check in and listen.
Truly nice people:
Their nice-ness feels different to the fakers. It feels calm, safe, non-urgent. Sometimes you have to check behind fear and anxiety to feel the actual truth of what your intuition says, but it always knows a real one from a fake.
We’ve all been burned by fake nice-ness. We’ve all been duped by it, seen it revealed in real time. Think of the celebrities, the public figures, the community leaders who everyone thought was so nice and caring, only to find out later that the exact opposite was true.
Ironically, if you look closer, you’ll see that most often the most genuinely nice people are the ones who have experienced the least nice treatment from others in their lives.
And some naturally nice people also decide to give up that mantle. They put it down because it’s heavy to wear. If you follow my work, you know that I support that, too. We all have to direct our sensitivity in the ways that work best for us and what we want to see in the world around us.
So yes, I agree that my spidey senses go up when someone is “too nice.” As in they’re performing it, as in they’re doing it as a form of manipulation and control. It’s nice-ness become spectacle, a loud and overwrought circus of nice. I don’t like clowns. 🤡
But too much of the genuine article? For me, there’s no such thing. The world could use more niceness, more niceties, more pleasant, agreeable, delightful actions and experiences.