Why people get SO WEIRD with you when you make a change

It's not just that people don't like change.

So you’re trying to grow. You see the room, the opportunity, for improvement and you decide to make the jump, do the reach, take the leap, and go for it.

As Wicked’s Elphaba would say (sing): Something has changed within you.

You’re going after what it is that speaks true to you, even if it upends things in your life.

By the way, in case no one has said it to you: That’s very, very brave. Most people have to be forced into change. They could never choose it for themselves. As we will soon see.

When Things Get a Little…Uncomfy Around the Change You Made

Now, maybe the people around you supported you and encouraged you when you were just talking about making a change. When it was just talk, it was cute, it was fun, it was something everyone could nod and say yes that sounds great.

Of course, not everyone will do that—some people get weird the minute you mention a single hair on your head changing direction.

Either way. The uncomfiness started because you did the thing. You took a step, two steps, three steps. You actually started to make the positive change you said you were going to make.

And now: All of those people from before seem to have left your bandwagon.

In fact, it’s probably a little weirder than them just going lukewarm or not wanting to spitball what it could be like with you as much anymore.

Weirdo Energy: Jabs, Shaming, Fear, and Other Negative Reactions

Suddenly, the people who used to support you have taken on a different tune.

They might tell you now that it’s too hard to make that change. Or cast doubt onto your ability to do what you set out to do. Or plant fear of failure, make it sound like you haven’t thought it out or it’s too soon or you don’t have what you need to make it work.

They may even try to make you feel wrong for making the change. They might call you delusional or try to tell you what you should do instead. They might tell you that “you’ve changed” (well obviously sir ma’am friend). They could try to accuse you of thinking that you’re better than them, or too big for your britches now.

All of this when all you wanted was something better for yourself, and maybe for your corner of the world as well.

These people could even simply go silent. They might remove themselves, don’t want to talk about what you’re doing, change the subject if it comes up, start to ghost you, possibly eventually exit your life.

Whatever way they go about it, you’re left wondering: What the actual hell?

Along with maybe also: If they’re having this negative reaction to me changing…maybe they’re right?

No. They are scared. Why?

The truth is this:

You are no longer playing the secret role they cast for you in their own scripted reality show of how the world should work.

And when you change your role, you change their script, and you start to change, well, everything.

I bet you didn’t ever know you were quite that powerful.

Defying the Role You Were Secretly Cast In

You didn’t know that they had cast you in any particular static role, probably.

Obviously, you thought you were allowed to grow and evolve and make changes. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Grow, evolve, change, get better…

So why all the weirdness when you do?

Stories are one of the best ways to see the truth of our own experiences mirrored back to us. And you know who else this weirdness over change happened to? Our friend from the top of this chat, Elphaba. You don’t have to have seen or read Wicked to catch this storyline. And there will be no spoilers ahead, I promise.

Elphaba was very vocal about justice, fairness, and helping others. Those who considered themselves her friends and allies loved how passionate she was about it and even joined in—as long as it wasn’t too inconvenient and didn’t ask too much of them.

But one day she reached a decision point, as we all do. In her case, she came face-to-face with corruption and had to choose: stay small and comfortable and let it happen —OR— grow, be villainized, but do the right thing?

The minute she calls out corruption and stands up to it, she breaks the character everyone else had cast her in. She goes from the grateful student looking forward to a certain kind of future to someone who acts on her ideals and is willing to fight systems of control. All in a single ballad.

Even her very best people have difficult decisions to face when she makes a different choice. It changes everyone’s script around her, which changes EVERYTHING for their stories and the entire narrative from there on out.

In short: They get SO WEIRD with her when she actually lives her values, writes her own rules for her story, and steps into her real character.

You are doing the exact same thing to the stories of those around you. You are making the same seismic shift in the narrative.

Just with less broomstick and fewer flying monkeys. Probably, anyway.

Through with Playing by the Rules of Someone Else’s Game

The change you have made doesn’t make you “wrong,” just like Elphaba wasn’t “wrong.”

In fact, you don’t make big changes like these without feeling like it is unequivocally and unavoidably right for you.

Other people’s negative reactions, pushback, all of the weirdo energy to your positive, necessary change is their own discomfort.

Discomfort that belongs to them, not to you.

Take their discomfort as accurate information that you just busted free of a role they had—perhaps unwittingly—assigned to you. One they thought you would always play.

Take their reactions and weirdo-ness as real-world proof and evidence of how powerful you already are, and were all along to be the main character in your own story.

Whatever you do, do not take it as something to carry along with you, to worry over, or to question yourself about. Don’t step back into the role they wrote for you, or think it’s your job to make them more comfortable with what you’re doing now. Associating with their fear of change and progress will only hold you back.

Just ask Elphie: It’s very hard to fly while carrying the weight of other people’s fear, burdens, and expectations.

The Universal Pattern and the End of the Story

There’s good news, too. Some of those people will come around. They’ll find they like the new script you wrote. They’ll figure out where your actual character fits in their own story. They’ll see what you’ve done to the narrative and that it is better.

They’ll leave that fear behind (which, by the way, is largely about the assigned roles they are playing themselves). Or, they’ll at least squelch it enough to get back on board with you. You’ll even inspire many of them to make positive change in their own lives.

Because you’ve shown it can be done. It’s so funny, really, that that’s why they got weird with you in the first place. And it’s also why those who find their way back to you, will do so.

This pattern is the same for every character, figure, icon, and person who made a personal change that could, in turn, change the world around them.

Once you understand why people are getting weird about you doing something different, it becomes easier to:

• See it for what it is, which is information about your power

• Stop allowing it to impact you so deeply and even hold you back

• And get back to writing your own actual story instead of prioritizing the narratives of others

The world needs the changed, evolved, fully powerful version of you. Not the comfortable side character that someone else wants you to play.

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About Bailey Lewis

Bailey Lewis writes and speaks at the intersection of culture, identity, and positive change, telling stories that remind us of how powerful we already are. You can find her talking about collective narratives and celebrating your personal power at @baileysendsword and at baileysendsword.com.