Are they underestimating you, or is it something else altogether?
Not being acknowledged for your full worth is incredibly annoying.
Especially when it’s related to something you would really like to do and/or already know you’re entirely capable of doing. Double especially when it seems to happen more often than not where people underestimate you, underrate you, or treat you like you’re the underdog for things.
But beyond the frustration of it all, let’s take closer look at this phenomenon together. Because I do think it’s unnatural. I’m curious why so many people would be unable to see your actual value, abilities, and what you bring to the table.
Are They All Wrong About You?
You know what I think?
I think that a million French fries can’t be wrong about you. (Please clap if you got that ketchup joke.)
Nope. I don’t think out of all of those people, they all could have gotten you so wrong.
I actually think it’s something else entirely.
It’s something to do with the box those people have put you in, the power they actually already know that you hold, and their recognition that if they acknowledged your power — just even once — that you would bust that box of theirs into splinters and sawdust.
Whether you:
· Get passed over for roles at work
· Never get picked for opportunities or invitations
· Have people tell you about someone else who can help with the thing you’re an expert in
· Deal with “friends,” family, or people around you who don’t believe in you
· Face a lot of automatic assumptions that you are less than what you actually are
I’m of the mind that often the underdog is the underdog because that’s where everyone would like them to stay. Not because that’s where you belong, but because actually you should be leading the entire pack.
The Audacity Is Alive and Well
A lot of people have tried to underestimate me throughout my life. But this particular instance stands out in my mind because it took place at a conference where I was giving the closing keynote the morning after this conversation took place. My name was on the agenda, for everyone to see. So this underestimation came with the audacity. Honestly, it often does.
The scene opens with me, at the conference networking hour, standing at a table when a man walks up to me and introduces himself.
“What do you do?” he asked me. Innocent enough, I had just asked him the same thing. I told him: I’m a speaker, writer, content creator.
No follow-up questions were asked. No clarity was sought. No segue was provided.
His voice rose by about five decibels as he launched into long-winded advice for me based on things he had done to secure work — in an entirely different field. He gave me a long portfolio list of his clients in the government and how I could try to get my foot in the door when I’m ready and all of the changes I would have to make and maybe I could even speak for the government someday if I really put my mind to it and tried really hard.
I listened without interruption. When he was done, I smiled and said, “Yes, I had a great time when I gave my workshop for United States Senate staff. Sounds like we’ve done some similar things. You should come to my keynote tomorrow morning before you leave.”
And you know what? He didn’t have much else to say after that. His face broke a little, a hairline crack in his bravado like porcelain. He laughed and said, “Really? Oh wow that’s great.” You know, I think he did mean it. But then he swallowed his drink and without another word, went to find someone else to talk to. Bye bye.
And also: What the helly, right?
The Making of an Underdog
This story is not unique to me. Nor is it the only time it has happened to me.
This wasn’t friendly advice from one like professional to another. He also didn’t offer to join forces or introduce me to anyone. It was plain and simple unsolicited “you should” advice.
But what indication did I give to him that I would welcome or be in need of his advice?
What signal did I send that I was an underling, a junior, someone in an inferior position needing to be taught something by him?
None. But that doesn’t matter. Because it wasn’t about the advice or even his extensive porfolio. Not for real.
It was about making me the underdog.
I don’t know what this person expected when he approached me, although I can hazard some guesses as someone who is often the young woman (speaker) hanging out at a conference solo.
But whatever he expected is not what he got.
So when I told him what I do and it was apparent that I speak to others with authority of some kind, I immediately slid out of whatever box he had put me in for his comfort. I’m slippery that way.
There are a few common power tactics people use to get you back in a box they want you in, but that you’re actively escaping. Always remember that if anyone is trying a power play with you, then they can very much see your power.
This person did all of the following during our conversation, although he didn’t stoop to some of the more outright ones like mocking, name calling, labeling, or victimizing.
1. Raise their voice. Louder = being heard MOST. When they are in control of all sound, they have control of sensory reality. By their logic, anyway.
2. Diminish your value. Make it clear that you are a bit lost, need teaching, should doubt yourself and your abilities, and that they are someone who knows better than you.
3. Establish themselves as the higher authority. Make you think you don’t know shiiiii. Get you to think you are inferior to their greatness. Now they can convince you — or at least themselves — that you belong in the box they made for you.
That’s not underestimation. That’s intimidation.
And by that I mean they’re trying to intimidate you, yes. But that’s because they are intimidated by you. Always remember that if anyone is trying a power play with you, then they can very much see your power.
This kind of person isn’t going to acknowledge your true ability and position just because you say it to them, prove it to them, show them you’re worthy. They already know all of that because they haven’t underestimated you at all. In fact, they see you very clearly. They see your value, your worth, your influence, your authority, your ability, and your power. They see that it challenges their own. That is the actual problem here.
It’s literally the equivalent of two dogs scrabbling for status. Except that it’s a competition you didn’t know you were entering, and didn’t ask to enter. The truth is, too, that you’ve already won it. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
They Might Not Even Being Doing It Consciously
Now I picked this story also because, even though people unfortunately try this with me somewhat regularly, I really think this man got caught by his own perspective. I’m not excusing him by any means, but I don’t think even he knew why he acted the way he did. When I corrected him, he didn’t stick around for me to rock his worldview some more, but he did take the correction in stride.
This story shows, I think, that it’s not always so outright. That it can feel like being truly underestimated instead of being challenged for showing your power. Because the other person doesn’t realize they’re doing it either, sometimes. And sometimes they very much do.
I’ve dealt with some very nasty instances of this behavior where it was OBVIOUS that the other person was trying to humble me, make themselves superior, discredit my value, make me put them on a pedestal, etc. Times when I really wanted to say something like honey, please, try to conceal yourself a little better. You clearly don’t think I’m trash, and you’re overtly scared because you know I’m a platinum mine.
They See You, They Just Pretend Not To
So no, I don’t think it’s that they don’t see you. Not if it’s frustrating you, not if it happens all the time, not if it’s from many different people, not if you’re actively showing up and trying to engage.
They aren’t ignoring you. You aren’t invisible to them. Quite the opposite.
I think they see you clear as day. And you terrify them. I think they already know how capable you are, how real your goals can become, how high your value actually is, how you would crush that role if they accepted you into it.
And that’s why they won’t. If they acknowledged your full worth, you might see it and embody it fully, too. These people really can’t have that. You could unravel everything for them. You could take the whole thing over. You could surpass them, and then YOU would be the one choosing. You could flip their whole world upside down. You could be devastating to their cozy set up.
You could shift the script entirely and then who would they be? You might cause them a crisis of identity, for real.
They see your power to change it all. Even if you don’t yet.
Don’t Listen to People Who Want You to Be the Reason You’re Treated Unfairly
Some people are going to tell you that you are the reason that other people underestimate you. That it’s something you need to fix about yourself, that you need to be more pleasing to those people or present yourself a different way or become the supplicant they’re expecting you to be.
Ignore anyone who tells you that. Even if it’s family, friends, or people who are supposed to know you well. They’re telling you what they would do. But if this post has resonated with you then rest assured that becoming the less-than version of yourself for acceptance doesn’t work for people like you. My guess is that you tried that already, anyway.
There’s nothing here you need to fix about yourself. Your ability and interest in self-growth make you a catalyst, and a lot of people are not going to be able to handle that. When it comes to those people, you could grovel at their very feet, wash their socks for a year, and make their favorite three-layer cake every Sunday. And they still would pass you over for someone else. Someone safer to their comfortable spot as they see it in the world.
It’s not what you do that threatens them. It’s who you are. And you can’t hide that. You never could. They, and everyone else, can see right through to your power already. I think it’s time you glimpsed yourself through their lens, just for a minute, so that you can see it too.
Feel like you’re going through this stuff solo?
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About Bailey Lewis
Bailey Lewis is an international keynote speaker, award-winning writer, storyteller, and narrative consciousness expert who seeks to remind us of how powerful we ALREADY are. You can find her sharing stories about universal human experiences and celebrating your personal power at @baileysendsword and at baileysendsword.com.